PLAN 9 FROM THE OUTER ROOM

Open on Johnny’s apartment. Denny, weeping, clutches a flower - then drops it to the floor, lost in his sorrow…

Lisa: He's dead now, Denny. If I could bring him back, I would…

Denny: I know you would, Lisa. Gosh, you're just so…

Lisa swats Denny's hand away as he attempts to grope her breast.

Lisa: (laughing) DENNY!!!

Denny: I'm sorry. You just look so sexy in that dress, Lisa.

Lisa: Oh, it's okay. Johnny’s death has been so difficult for all of us. I understand.

Denny lays his head back down on Lisa's chest.

Cut to Denny and Lisa in extended dream sequence. After they kiss, Denny spends an inordinate amount of time licking Lisa's belly button as she flexes her abs. Imagine sex with a belly dancer - only she’s lying down, really sexy. At least 5 minutes of that sweet, sweet belly love - every young boy's fantasy come true...

Lisa’s Mom: I've told you, dear. You're just stringing that poor child along.

Camera pans out to show group of Johnny's friends, gathered to mourn in blood stained room where body has just been removed.

Mike: HA! Denny, I think you’ve had an accident!

Denny looks down in embarrassment.

Mark: Let's go the cemetery and toss the ball around. For Johnny!

Group of friends all get up, excited to go play ball at the cemetery.

Lisa: Go on, Denny. It'll be good, get your mind off things!

Everyone leaves the room, except Lisa and her Mom.

Lisa’s Mom: The doctor says I have monkeypox.

Lisa: Oh, Mom. You'll be fine. They have cures for everything today.

Lisa’s Mom: Guess that's what I get for engaging in all of that unprotected anal sex.

Lisa: Ugh… Mommmm…. that’s so…

Mom tweaks Lisa's nose.

Lisa’s Mom: Why - you should be ashamed! Being so judgmental of your poor mother!

Lisa makes a face at her Mom.

Cut to boys playing ball in cemetery, trying not to stumble over tombstones, otherwise having a great time playing ball in the cemetery.

Police Detective: Hey, you kids can't be playing football here. This is a cemetery!

Mark: But our friend just shot himself.

Police Detective: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Mark: I already feel guilty enough.

Denny: He was having sex with his fiancee, Lisa. Sure wish it had been me. She's hot.

Police Detective: Oh - Lisa? Yeah, I hear she's plenty hot. All the fellas down at the station...

Mark: Hey! Don't you talk that way about Lisa!

Mark violently shoves police detective to the ground, proceeds to start choking him.

Mark: I had sex with her. And then my best friend killed himself. Because I had sex with his fiancee. Repeatedly. Not just once. Again and again.

Police detective, having stood back up, puts his gun back into his holster and tries to comfort a now despondent Mark.

Police Detective: You're tearing me apart, kid.

Mark: What? You trying to pin this on ME now? I didn't murder my best friend!

Mark takes a swing at Police Detective.

Cut back to Johnny's apartment.

Lisa: (on the phone) She's always judging me. I just HATE her!

Angry thug bursts through the door.

Unknown Thug: Damn! Denny told me you were hot! But... dayummmm....

Lisa: Oh, he did - did he? Hey... are you... mmmm... Chris R?

Chris R: Get down on the floor, bitch!

Chris R and Lisa sex scene - 10-15 minutes. Seems kinda rapishy at first? But Lisa's emotions run from frightened to turned on. If anyone complains - we couldn't figure out how to shoot it, so we just mixed it all in - which is why she alternately looks terribly frightened and then again in the throes of passion and then terrified again.

Also, she's a woman - so who really knows how they think, right?

Back to cemetery.

Mark: Hey, it's getting kinda late. Maybe we should head back.

Johnny shows up as a vampire, his face hidden behind his cloak, one eye not quite open or closed, slowly approaching Denny from behind.

Then, as the tension heightens - just before Johnny sinks his fangs into Denny's neck -

Johnny: Oh, hi Mark.

Mark: I thought you were dead!

Johnny: HA! No, it was just a metaphor for our friendship. But now I see how much you love me. So I'm back. Everything is okay now. You and I are best of friends again.

Denny: What about me?

Johnny: Oh, Denny...

Music ramps up, love scene between Johnny and Denny seems imminent.

Mark: No no no.. just...

Mark: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mark is mugged from behind by former Police Detective, previously turned into a zombie by Vampire Johnny while Chris R was having consensual sex with Lisa. I repeat, the sex was consensual.

Johnny: Hey... why'd you have to go and do that?

Police Detective: The boy… The BOY…

Johnny: Okay, fine.

Extended threeway with zombie detective, Johnny, and Denny - all of whom are clueless as to how to actually have sex, so they're just humping each others' knees and whatnot. Mark is playing ball with other zombies in San Francisco, randomly interrupted as the three sex zombies attempt to hump their legs…

Back to Johnny's apartment - Chris R passes by Lisa's Mom as he's leaving the apartment.

Lisa’s Mom: Don't I know you from somewhere?

Chris R smiles.

Lisa: Mom, Denny still hasn't come home. I'm getting worried about him. He shouldn’t be out so late.

Lisa’s Mom: I'm sure he's fine. Boys will be boys, you know.

Lisa: Sometimes I feel like such a whore.

Lisa’s Mom: Oh, come here, darling.

Lisa’s Mom hugs her daughter.

Lisa’s Mom: You’re no more of a disgusting, manipulative, lying whore than I am. Or… ALL women, for that matter.

Knock on door.

Zombie Mark: Hello.

He doesn't seem any different than normal Mark, so the women welcome him in.

Lisa: Where have you boys been? I've been worried sick.

Mark: We were just playing ball down at the cemetery.

(Perhaps Mark isn't a Zombie? Or is he? So hard to tell, really.)

Another knock at the door - a teen couple, and the boy is a regular ham.

Boy: Oh, sorry - we didn't know anyone was home.

Girl: (to boy) Hey - you said we were gonna have sex!

Boy makes goofy face - what a card! He shrugs his shoulders hilariously.

Zombies: GRAHHRRR!!!

Sound is heard outside door. Boy and girl are yanked backward, disappearing behind doorway.

Mark shuts door. Sounds of boy and girl shrieking in terror are ignored.

Mark: Lisa, can I talk to you - alone?

Lisa’s Mom: Fine, fine. I guess I know when I'm not wanted.

Despite shrieks beyond door, Mom exits. Her shrieks now added to shrieks.

Whatever is going on outside that door is infinitely more interesting than the 20 minutes of conversation that follow.

Mark: I sure miss him.

Shrieks intensify. Audible cries for help throughout conversation, to the point conversation is difficult to make out. Following are the more audible bits of the conversation.

Lisa: Johnny was such a great guy. I shouldn't have cheated on him.

Mark: It's okay. You're just a woman. That's what makes you a cheating whore.

Lisa: Women are horrible people. They just use men for their own gain. And then throw them away. That's why I couldn't help myself. If only I weren’t so incredibly hot and sexy.

Mark: Johnny was so awesome, though. How could you cheat on him - even though you are a woman.

Lisa: He was always so good to me. I would do anything to bring him back.

Mark: Actually… he’s a vampire now. And when he bites people, they become zombies.

Lisa: Does his car - does it shoot across the sky?

They look outside the window - and, as the screams continue, they see a white Mercedes shoot across the evening sky. Like a lit cigar.

Lisa: That's an expensive Mercedes. Isn't it nice?

Mark: You shouldn't talk about his money. He doesn't like people talking about his money. How many times does he have to tell you that, Lisa.

Lisa: I know. But I'm just a stupid woman. And a whore.

Mark: Well… now you're just repeating yourself.

Lisa: I know. But... I just want you so bad, Mark!

Mark: Lisa, we… we shouldn't.

Lisa and Mark begin making love. Screams continue outside. At one point, a dead body is dragged behind them as they make sweet love. Another time, they are having sex among dead bodies. But satiating their lust for each other naturally causes them to ignore it all.

When they're finally done making love - at least 30 minutes - Johnny has returned to his apartment.

Johnny: Mark, I thought we were friends? But...

Hero shot of Johnny, his hair blowing in the wind.

Johnny: You are who you are meant to be. Dance as if no one's watching. Love as if it's all you know. Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.

Return to Mark, who is smiling at his best friend for life.

Mark: No, no - it's cool, bro. We're still best friends. In this life, and in the afterlife. Where I’m a hideous zombie and you’re a really sexy vampire. We're the bestest of best friends - throughout all eternity, forever and ever more!

Following the tearful reunion of best friends, Mark turns back to Lisa.

Mark: Yeah... I was just giving her the worst case ever - of the monkeypox!

Lisa's face is suddenly covered in lesions.

Lisa: NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mark: Stupid bitch.

Johnny: HA! Whore.

Denny Zombie: C'mon... let's go play catch.

Johnny, Mark, and Denny all appear to be leaving - until Denny turns back toward Lisa, lustfully baring his fangs.

The End?